There are few more beautiful – did I say beautiful? Sorry, I meant rancid – sights than that of The Daily Excess getting itself into a moral uproar in the hope of taking middle England along with it. Today, it was in its element – “Now Asylum If You’re Gay” it fulminated, alerting us to the danger that the nation is about to be overrun by invading hoards of homosexuals, racing away from persecution, darting through the Channel Tunnel as an act of situationist symbolism and drowning the nation beneath a tide of pink chiffon.
The reason for this? Because those bloody stupid Judges in the Supreme Court have only been upholding the law again. Two gay men, one from Cameroon and another from Iran, both faced deportation after their appeals for asylum were rejected, in spite of the fact that both would have faced persecution on their return home.
In a rare piece of evidence that this might just still be a country that tries to do the right thing even if it might be expensive – see those taxpaying veins popping on the heads of Excess journalists as they read that? – Home Secretary Theresa May welcomed the decision and said that the government would not deport any asylum seekers who had fled their countries because their sexuality put them at “proven risk” of jail, torture or execution.
But that’s not good enough for The Excess who dug out a prehistoric Tory, Philip Davies MP, who tells us, “It’s a dangerous game to play to go down this line because it’s quite feasible that this could offer an ideal line of defence for someone who wants to try to avoid being kicked out of the country, whether it is true or not that they are gay. By its very nature, it’s very difficult to prove one way or another. My concern would be that this may well be exploited by some people as a way of avoiding deportation.”
Now some might think that anybody who treks away from their homeland and is desperate enough to seek asylum in the UK – whatever the cause – is somebody we should look on with humanity and tolerance. What would drive you to leave everyone and everything you have and know behind and try to set up a new life thousands of miles away with no guarantee you’ll be allowed to stay? Take something pretty drastic wouldn’t it? Anyeway, if therehave to be asylum seekers, from a Tory point of view, gay ones are the best kind – at least they won’t be spawning a lot of brats and demanding child benefit, so no financial issues there. And as the lawlord who summed up yesterday, Lord Rodger – you couldn’t make this up could you – noted, the pink economy will be suitably boosted.
But if, as Phillip Davies insists, we should be 100% certain that such asylum seekers genuinely are gay, think of the job creation possibilities. A crack squadron of, not to put too fine a point on it, crack investigators will be on perpetual standby. Asylum seekers will be quizzed on the minutiae of Dale Winton, they will be required to show complete knowledge of a full range of show tunes, asked for interior decorating tips and, should any doubt remain, they will be given an intimate audience with Mr Davies himself, since he’s so keen on weeding out the non gays amongst asylumists.
Of course, you’d think such stereotyping would be something I’ve done for comic effect, something from the distant past, but not quite so. Even in doing the right thing, Lord Rodger couldn’t help but make a pillock of himself. “Just as male hetero¬sexuals are free to enjoy themselves playing rugby, drinking beer and talking about girls with their mates, so male homosexuals are to be free to enjoy themselves going to Kylie concerts, drinking exotically-coloured cocktails and talking about boys with their straight female mates” was his reasoning behind the fact that the two men in question should not be forced back to their respective countries and simply deny their sexuality.
I’m not entirely certain that having the freedom to buy Kylie’s latest waxing – her new record, not the contents of her Brazilian you understand – is more important than the freedom not to have your nuts blown off by bigots and religious fanatics, and in reinforcing age old stereotypes he’s perhaps done more harm than good, though fortunately not to the two men in question.
What he has certainly done is give two people the chance of better lives, lives free from the kind of persecution they would have otherwise endured. Certainly a better solution than that of the Abcess, which was that they should simply pop back home and deny their sexuality and pretend to be straight and try to get away with it. So let’s make a deal. They can do that if – and only if - the editorial team on that newspaper deny the fact that they’re a bunch of loathsome, fascist bastards and pretend to be decent human beings. No, don’t get holding your breath eh?
And finally, just because Lord Rodger’s summing up reminded me of it, a link to the genius of Peter Cook:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUrnTTJQQYg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kyos-M48B8U&feature=related
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